It's public knowledge that I've had a liver transplant (almost a whole year ago!) and with that comes medication for life. I remember being young and having to take medication to support my liver functions and absolutely hating it, but mostly because it was disgusting. Literally, it's still to this day the most awful tastes I've experienced.
This new lifetime medication is a little more acceptable. The pills are easy for me to swallow and I don't have to spend my whole day taking medication. One of the medications however is just awful.
Prednisone. It's a steroid I take for anti-rejection and it's pretty commonly used for a number of medical conditions as well. The beauty of Prednisone is that my body doesn't reject this new liver. I take just one pretty low does a day and I don't end up needing another liver which seems perfect.
It seems too good to be true because it is. This medication makes me lose my absolute shit and I need to talk about it. If you've ever been on this steroid or know someone who has, you've probably heard a variety of stories. I know someone who cried uncontrollably for weeks, and another person who didn't sleep for days when taking it. Prednisone is know to commonly cause weight gain, acne, headaches, and restlessness. It also can make people extremely moody or depressed.
Enter me. I have become incredibly emotionally volatile and depressed since taking this medication. I hate it. I constantly find myself worried that at any moment the meds will take over like a freight train and ruin my day. I live in constant fear that I'll overreact, become angry, or just plain flip a mood switch that I don't have the ability to harness or redirect.
I'm left feeling like I have anger issues and shouldn't be around people, especially my own partner. Any time we have an argument or disagree I'm worried that switch will flip and I'll be left sitting in the wreckage of my relationship. I shouldn't have to choose between survival and emotional stability.
I often tell clients that paying attention to your body allows for higher emotional intelligence during distress or tense situations. While this is true for many of us, Prednisone is all too good at stripping me of the ability to tap into this. While I'm clinging to my new body, basking in the warm glow of our relationship, this medication has the audacity to try and fuck it up.
I'm trying to practice everything I teach and share with clients and while it works, this is hard on me and my ability to be kind to myself and truly, radically love myself. I know I'm not alone in this. I know that so many of us have to take medication that comes with all sorts of emotional, mental, or physical strings attached; sometimes all three. I also know that we CAN demand better.
I'm leaning in more than ever to acts of radical self-love and care to remind myself that I deserve love, kindness, and happiness. A new thing I am doing for myself is documenting my emotions and planning to take them to my doctor. I'm demanding we have the conversation about this medicine and what it's doing to my life.
I say all of this to remind you and me that we all deserve the best for ourselves and to fight for living well. Living well doesn't mean we're surviving, it's thriving. Finding joy at least once every day, even if only for a moment.
Take those moments of joy, indulge yourself. Remember that your joy is yours and doesn't have to resemble someone else's. That's radical joy! If you need a guide on that journey to finding radical joy and radical self-love I'm here for you. Let me be your guide in finding what your body needs and wants in this world.
Finding a healing relationship with your body opens you up to be your strongest, most authentic self. You'll step into the part of you that creates boundaries, loves on you, and can arrive vulnerably yourself to every space. I can't wait to help you on that journey!